I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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