it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
