my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
