Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
