i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
