I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
