Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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