Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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