My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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