You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
