This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
