Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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