he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
