do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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