Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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