I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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