Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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