If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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