i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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