The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
