I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
