the condom got lost in my hair
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
