i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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