true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
