I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
