wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
