I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
