Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
