I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
