I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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