I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
