Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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