They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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