Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
