I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
