yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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