if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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