But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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