He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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