He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
