i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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