I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
