he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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