I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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