my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
