3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
