also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
