I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
