i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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