i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
