saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
