Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
