No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
