Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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