The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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