i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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