Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
