I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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