it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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