I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
