Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
