a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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